12 Crucial Conversations to Have Before Saying "I Do"

Finding a potential spouse is an exciting journey, but it’s one that requires both the heart and the mind to be fully engaged. In a detailed lecture on the steps to getting to know someone for marriage, Belal Assaad emphasizes that while chemistry is important, compatibility is built on shared values and clear communication.

In the Islamic tradition, we are encouraged to take our time to investigate and research before making a lifelong commitment. To help you navigate this process, here are 12 essential topics and questions to discuss during the "getting to know you" phase.

1. The Vision of Marriage

Start with the big picture: How do you envision marriage life? Discussing your expectations of what a husband or wife should be like helps ensure you aren't just following a Hollywood script, but are building a home based on mutual understanding.

2. Qualities of a Spouse

Be honest about what you are looking for. Ask: What qualities do you value most in a partner? It’s helpful to share your own "crucial red lines" - the 6 or 7 things that are deal-breakers for you - before the marriage contract is signed.

3. Family Dynamics and Culture

In Islam, marriage brings two families together. You need to understand the dynamics:

• How do they get along with their parents and siblings?
• Are there cultural traditions or tribe-related expectations you should know about?

4. Living Arrangements

This is a "hot topic" that can cause significant tension if left unaddressed. Discuss where you will live. Belal Assaad notes that while Islam grants a wife the right to her own private dwelling, many families face pressure to live with in-laws. It is better to have this "tense" conversation now than to face conflict later.

5. Financial Management

Finance is a pillar of stability. You must discuss:

• How will money be managed?
• Is it "our money," or a split of "your money and my money"?
• Who is responsible for what expenses?

6. Social Life and Free Time

How do you spend your weekends? Discuss your hobbies, community service, and how much time you spend on social media. In today’s age, it’s even worth discussing what "cheating" looks like to you in a digital context.

7. Children and Parenting

Don't just ask if they want kids. Go deeper:

• When do you want to start a family?
• How will they be educated?
• Even naming them: Believe it or not, couples often clash over naming traditions and family pressure.

8. Career and Ambitions

How important is your career to your identity? Share your future goals and see if your spouse is prepared to support that journey or if your ambitions might eventually pull you in opposite directions.

9. Health and Disabilities

Transparency is a right in Islam. Hiding severe health issues, deformities, or disabilities is considered Haram. If you are embarrassed, you can have a third party explain the situation, but the potential spouse has a right to know anything that might affect the marriage.

10. The Past

While we should not expose our past sins, you should consider if something from your past (like a prior addiction or a criminal record) will "creep back in" to the marriage. If there is a chance it will affect your future together, finding a way to hint at it or discuss the "shadows" of the past is often the safest path to long-term trust.

11. Conflict and Tolerance

Marriage requires the "5 Ts": Trust, Transparency, Time, Talk, and Tolerance. Ask questions that reveal how they handle stress or disagreement. Are they stubborn and controlling, or are they willing to compromise?

12. The Wedding Details

It sounds minor, but the details of the wedding ceremony can reveal a lot about a person's mindset and their family's level of interference. Discussing the wedding plan early can prevent massive fights over dresses, halls, and guest lists later on.

The Final Word

Take your time. There is no need to rush into a commitment until you have done your "respectful research". By asking the right questions now, you are laying the bricks for a home filled with Sakinah (tranquility) and reward from Allah.